10.10.2020

 Mental Health Day.

For someone who thinks, feel and occasionally experience certain outburst or 'rough day' - I know this public awareness day can mean a variety of things to many; especially those who understands and experiences extreme 'mind moments'.

I had one of those rough days today. I felt unhappy. Hopeless. Stuck where I don't wish to be. Thought of ways I shouldn't be ... yeah. It hurts. Especially when your mind is clouded with so many thoughts and you are unsure who to trust and share with. I know for sure the slightest thing can trigger a more negative behaviour ... where you can lose control of your own mind and being.

It feels like maybe-yes you know what is going on, but certain thoughts are now in control of you and you wanted this thing for so long and did not get it or that you have been hooked on this thought(s) for so long and there is no other way to escape --- so it consumes you.

I think I'm strong.
But during that state, I feel as weak and scared as one can be.
Physically, I am struggling to take care of myself. My environment is ok but it is not where or what or as healthy as I dreamt it to be. My only moment of silence and peace is right now: In the late hours of the night. And even now I can hear the countless dogs outside. Sometimes I feel the humans in my community strive on making the lives of their neighbours a living hell.

Of course, "Why do you let it affect you?" or "You gotta not let it bother you." --- I heard it all. And if I try speaking up, it was either I'm too young to say anything or they simply don't care to listen.

This is the first scope of my thoughts. Many others are conflicting. As much as I would like to let go and try to refocus, oh boy how difficult it can be sometimes. How easy it is to complain also. Not focusing on the positive and the blessings in your life. I am thankful. Very thankful for the humans in my life who are helpful, supportive, understanding and strong-willed. Who I know that no matter where they are, I can connect with them about so many things. But yes, I do still feel alone sometimes. For my heart desire something, that which I still pray for. Maybe it is asking for too much ... but if we can dream and talk about it, then slightly living the part already --- then I'm sure it shouldn't be as difficult for the Divine One to just bless us with it.

I am tired. Deep breath. I must go on. So many lend their support, I shouldn't disappoint them.
But first, I should fix my mindset. I should remember to have faith and yes, keep trying ... it will get better ... right? 

For maybe one day it will ...okay stop ... stop hoping ... stop expecting.
They say: It's the hope that kills you. Screw they. Make the most of this moment ... right now.